Thanks for joining me!
My name is Faye, but my friends call me Fayla. I am 21 years old and I struggle with depression and anxiety.
I started out at UW-Oshkosh for my first year of college where I studied Psychology, Sociology, Geology, History, and Theatre (volunteering to work in costumes at the campus theatre). Unfortunately, none of these subjects led to a set major. I spent my second year at a technical college where I studied Administration. I also lost interest in the subject. I, then, took a year off and became a Level Three on the Registry and worked at a nearby childcare facility. I loved the children and my job, but it also took a toll on my emotions making it hard to continue working there. After some small jobs, like working at Jimmy Johns, I ended up as a secretary at my current workplace.
Now, let’s take a moment to get to know my past because without the struggles I faced, I wouldn’t be where I am today and I wouldn’t have decided to start this blog. Later on, I will create a post digger deeper into each experiences I’ve gone through. Both good and bad.
I grew up in a broken family. I have eight siblings, but I am the only child from my mother and father. My father signed away his custody of me when I was 7 due to facing the judge after a drunk driving incident in which I was in the car. My mother has been fighting a losing battle with depression for many years and became unable to take care of most her children, resorting to abusive relationships and opioids. I have lived with my grandmother my entire life. Occasionally, staying with my mother at times when she found temporary housing. This sometimes led to me witnessing the fighting and abuse between her and her boyfriends. Often watching my mother encourage the men to hit her, leaving bruises and gashes. She always went back them though. It was as if she enjoyed the abuse. I eventually fell back into contact with my father. We’re still working at our relationship today, but he still feels like a stranger to me.
Aside from the occasional neglect and bruises from getting spanked with a spoon, I was raped. I was raped three times by three different men. The first time it happened, I was 14 years old, a freshman in high school, and it was a boyfriend who raped me. The second time I was 17 , black out drunk and an ex took advantage of me. The last time, I was 18, I went on a date with a boy and he forcibly overpowered me. All of them had different results, but I’ll talk about that in another post.
My mental illness.
I’ve always had anxiety. When I was in first grade I went sent home for throwing up every pajama day, crazy hair day, etc. because I got too anxious. I also endured a lot of bullying in middle school and high school. At first I was diagnosed with situational depression due to the bullying and family problems. Eventually, I was diagnosed with major and atypical depression as I harmed myself for the first time freshmen year of high school and began to consider suicide. After years of antidepressants, visits to the psychiatrist, and weekly counseling sessions, I was deemed to no longer have severe depression, but moderate. Some days are still hard and I often forget to take my medication for long periods of time. I always thought I could get better because that’s what my psychiatrist said until I found out that my depression was no longer considered situational. It’s when I go off my medication for these long periods that I’m forced to realize that it will never just “go away.”
“Stars can’t shine without darkness.” -Anonymous